The dawn of a new year often brings with it a flood of emotions. For some, it’s a time for fresh beginnings and setting resolutions. For others, it’s the conclusion of another year of indecision, perhaps the end of many years spent in a relationship that no longer feels good but isn’t necessarily bad enough to leave. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. You may be standing at the precipice of one of the most challenging decisions of your life—whether to stay or to go. And if you have children, this decision is even more complex, layered with questions, fears, and uncertainties.
The Unseen Costs of Staying
Maybe your relationship has reached a place where the connection feels more like cohabitation than a partnership. There’s no explosive conflict, but there’s also no joy. The communication has dwindled into patterns of avoidance or indifference. It’s not awful, but it’s not enough. And for parents, the stakes are higher.
The way you and your partner communicate, resolve conflict, or, in some cases, avoid conflict altogether, is shaping your children’s emotional blueprint. Empirical research supports this—children learn relational behaviours from their parents. Studies show that exposure to chronic parental conflict, even in subtle forms, can lead to anxiety, depression, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships as they grow older. Conversely, children who see their parents respectfully resolving disagreements tend to develop stronger emotional resilience and conflict-resolution skills.
Ask yourself: Are your children witnessing love, respect, and kindness? Or are they learning that distance, sarcasm, or hostility are normal? These learnt behaviours, even if unintentional, become part of their future relationships. As difficult as it is to face, staying in a toxic or disconnected relationship can sometimes cause more harm than leaving.
The Overwhelming Questions of Separation
When you begin to consider separation, the questions seem endless. How will this affect my children? Will they blame me? How will we manage finances? Who will stay in the house? How do I even start this process? These questions aren’t just overwhelming; they’re paralysing. Many people spend years cycling through this indecision, not knowing where to turn or how to begin.
For most people, the pain points fall into three major categories:
Where to Begin
The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to separation. Every relationship is unique, and so is every separation. But there are steps you can take to approach this process with clarity and purpose.
Start by asking yourself one essential question: What do I want my life and my children’s lives to look like in the future? This vision can guide your decisions and give you a framework for navigating the path ahead.
From there, consider these key steps:
1. Reach Out to a Collaborative Separation Specialist
As a Collaborative Separation Specialist, I help families navigate the complexities of separation with a focus on respect, communication, and the well-being of children. Collaborative separation prioritises finding solutions that work for everyone involved, rather than turning to adversarial approaches that can escalate conflict. This process can include working with mediators, therapists, and financial advisors, depending on your unique situation and the key being - staying out of court.
2. Address Your Emotional Health
Separation is an emotional process. A therapist can help you explore your feelings, fears, and hopes in a safe space. They can also provide tools for managing stress, anxiety, and grief during this transition. Remember, taking care of your emotional health is not just for you; it’s also for your children. When you’re emotionally stable, you’re better equipped to support them.
3. Understand Your Legal and Financial Situation
Consulting a family lawyer can provide clarity on your rights and responsibilities. They can help you understand the legal aspects of separation, from custody arrangements to property division. But remember, a lawyer’s role is different from that of a mediator. While a lawyer advocates for your interests, a mediator helps you and your partner find common ground without the lengthy costs of court and the protracted emotional toll it takes.
4. Prioritise the Children
Your children’s well-being should always come first. Open and honest communication, tailored to their age and understanding, is crucial. Reassure them that both parents love them and that the separation is not their fault. Studies consistently show that children do best when they maintain strong relationships with both parents, even after separation. Co-parenting, when done respectfully, can help children feel secure and loved.
The Path Forward
As we step into this new year, remember that endings can also be beginnings. It’s not just about closing a chapter but about starting a new one—one where you and your children can thrive. Separation is undoubtedly challenging, but it can also be an opportunity for growth, healing, and creating a healthier environment for your family.
If you’re considering separation or are already in the process, know that you don’t have to navigate this alone. As a Collaborative Separation Specialist, I’m here to guide you through each step, helping you find clarity amidst the chaos and ensuring that your children’s well-being remains at the heart of every decision.
The new year can be a time for hope and renewal. Whether you choose to stay and work on your relationship or decide it’s time to move forward separately, the most important thing is to make a choice that aligns with the future you envision for yourself and your family.
