Therapeutic methods for helping individuals navigate mental health challenges are constantly evolving. One innovative approach is integrating acting classes into the therapeutic process. Acting can serve as a powerful tool for self-expression, emotional exploration, and healing, particularly for those who struggle to express their feelings or are coping with deep trauma such as sexual assault. In my work as a counsellor, I’ve witnessed first-hand the benefits of acting techniques in therapy, where clients discover new ways to connect with their emotions, improve communication, and foster empathy—both for themselves and others.

Why Acting?

Acting invites participants to explore different aspects of themselves, stepping into characters and scenarios that demand emotional depth, vulnerability, and self-reflection. For many, the concept of 'acting' might seem distant from therapeutic settings. But in reality, performance techniques have long been associated with positive mental health outcomes. Drama therapy, for instance, is a well-established modality that blends theatrical exercises with psychotherapy principles to promote psychological healing. Research has shown that drama therapy helps with anxiety, depression, and trauma recovery by providing clients a safe space to "act out" feelings they struggle to verbalise.

The Benefits of Acting in Therapy

1. Increased Emotional Expression

Acting encourages individuals to explore and express emotions in a safe, controlled environment. For those who find it difficult to show vulnerability or identify their emotions, acting techniques offer an outlet. In theatre, participants often play roles that require intense emotional expression—anger, sadness, joy, frustration—allowing them to practice feeling and releasing these emotions.

This can be particularly transformative for individuals who have suppressed their feelings due to trauma. For example, someone dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault may experience emotional numbness or dissociation. Acting allows them to safely reconnect with their emotions through role-playing. They are able to step into a character’s shoes and process feelings in a way that feels less overwhelming than discussing their trauma directly.

2. Exploring Empathy

Empathy is a cornerstone of both acting and healthy relationships. In acting classes, participants must imagine what a character is thinking, feeling, and experiencing. This deep exploration of another’s perspective helps cultivate empathy—a critical skill that strengthens connections with others and fosters self-compassion.

For individuals struggling with interpersonal relationships, especially in the aftermath of trauma, rebuilding emotional intimacy and trust can be challenging. Acting classes create opportunities to role-play scenarios in which empathy plays a key role. Participants may enact scenes where they practice active listening, perspective-taking, and emotional validation, skills that are crucial in repairing strained relationships.

3. Breaking Down Emotional Barriers

Many clients I’ve worked with are "locked in" emotionally—they have built up walls that prevent them from fully experiencing or expressing their feelings. This can stem from fear, past trauma, or a learnt coping mechanism of emotional avoidance. Acting offers an avenue for breaking down these barriers.

For example, one acting exercise involves portraying heightened emotions through exaggerated body language and facial expressions. At first, this can feel uncomfortable for individuals used to holding back their emotions, but with time, it becomes a tool for breaking free from emotional constraints. By expressing themselves in an exaggerated manner, they slowly become more comfortable with their emotional world and gain confidence in their ability to navigate complex feelings.

How Acting Techniques Help Address Trauma

Trauma, particularly from experiences like sexual assault, can deeply affect an individual's ability to trust, express emotions, or engage in intimate relationships. Acting can be a non-invasive yet effective way to address these issues.

Research supports this. Studies on drama therapy with trauma survivors show significant improvements in PTSD symptoms, emotional regulation, and self-esteem. A study published in the Arts in Psychotherapy journal found that role-playing and embodiment in acting exercises helped trauma survivors reconnect with their bodies, build resilience, and process their trauma in a less intimidating way than traditional talk therapy.

Through acting, trauma survivors can reclaim their sense of agency, which is often lost after such an experience. In therapy sessions, we may focus on small role-plays that reflect everyday situations. For instance, if a client struggles with feelings of powerlessness, we might work through a scene in which they confront a difficult situation, helping them gain confidence in expressing their needs and setting boundaries.

Mending Relationships with Acting

One of the most profound effects I’ve observed in integrating acting into therapy is its ability to mend relationships, particularly those suffering from a lack of intimacy. Couples who have become emotionally distant or who avoid vulnerability often find it difficult to reconnect. Acting can create a bridge between them by encouraging more open communication and emotional risk-taking.

In acting classes, couples can perform exercises that require cooperation, communication, and trust. For example, improvisation exercises where each partner must “respond in the moment” to the other’s words and actions teach them how to be present and responsive in their real-life interactions. Over time, this leads to better communication, more empathy, and renewed emotional intimacy.

Moreover, these classes offer a unique opportunity to explore intimacy through role-playing. Partners can step into fictional scenarios where they express love, appreciation, or vulnerability toward one another, practising behaviours they may find difficult to engage in real life. Through this process, they become more attuned to each other’s emotional needs, laying the groundwork for rebuilding trust and closeness.

Clinical Evidence and Anecdotal Success

In my clinical practice, I have seen clients transform through the power of acting. One client, for instance, initially struggled to express his emotions after years of emotional repression following a traumatic event. Through acting exercises, he gradually became more comfortable verbalising his feelings, both in therapy and in his personal relationships. This newfound emotional expression helped him repair his strained relationship with his partner, who had felt emotionally neglected.

For others, the shift has been in how they relate to their own trauma. Sexual assault survivors, for example, have reported feeling more empowered after using acting techniques to process their emotions in a controlled and creative way, regaining a sense of control over their narrative.

Outcomes

Acting classes can be a valuable adjunct to traditional therapy, providing clients with a creative outlet for self-expression, emotional exploration, and empathy development. Whether it's trauma survivors reconnecting with their bodies and emotions or couples rekindling intimacy, acting offers a safe, supportive space to heal and grow. Through my experience, both clinical and anecdotal, I can attest to the transformative power of performance techniques in fostering emotional healing and personal growth.

Want to explore another way of healing? Reach out here.

Co-parenting isn't just about sharing responsibilities; it’s about collaboratively aligning with your ex-partner to create a stable environment for your children. But let's be real—it’s not as easy as it sounds, is it? When emotions run high, when past trauma or hurt comes up, when conflict arises… the side effects trickle down, affecting the kids. You might think you’re doing your best to shield them, but here’s the truth: children can feel everything. They sense your stress, they notice when the energy changes, and even though you may never speak poorly of the other parent in front of them, they pick up on how you feel.

Ever heard the term “go with your gut”? Children live by this. They may not have the words to articulate what they’re experiencing, but they have an intuitive sense of when things are off. It’s not just about what you say—it's about what you don’t say, the energy you carry around, the unspoken tension.

If you’re struggling to manage co-parenting amidst these heightened emotions, you’re not alone. Co-parenting coaching can make a world of difference by offering a structured approach to managing your emotions, communicating effectively, and ensuring that your children are never placed in the middle of unresolved conflict.

Why Co-Parenting Coaching?

Many parents think they can “figure it out” on their own—and in some cases, this works. But often, when you’re caught up in pain, anger, or hurt, it becomes nearly impossible to see things clearly. Coaching helps to bring clarity and structure, guiding parents towards collaborative alignment, which is simply a fancy way of saying: "Work together, not against each other, for the sake of your children."

The goal of co-parenting coaching isn’t to dismiss your pain or your experience, but rather to help you shift the focus onto what’s best for the kids. Here’s why it matters:

• Children sense everything: As mentioned, they can feel the shifts in energy and the unspoken tension between parents. It impacts their emotional and mental well-being.
• Collaboration reduces conflict: Working together on a shared parenting plan creates less room for misunderstandings and reduces the likelihood of ongoing conflict.
• Children need both parents: It’s vital to understand that no matter what has happened between you and your ex-partner, your child benefits from a positive relationship with both parents.

The New Ways for Families Model

One of the most effective frameworks I’ve worked with is the New Ways for Families model, which focusses on building resilience and creating new, healthy patterns of communication and interaction post-separation. This model encourages parents to adopt four key skills that lead to better co-parenting:

1. Flexible thinking: Helping parents move from black-and-white thinking to considering multiple solutions.
2. Managed emotions: Teaching strategies for emotional regulation so reactions are controlled and intentional.
3. Moderate behaviours: Focusing on behaviours that minimise conflict and avoid escalation.
4. Checking themselves: Encouraging personal accountability rather than blaming the other parent.

This model doesn’t just benefit parents—it directly improves the environment for the children, ensuring they aren’t caught in a toxic tug-of-war between parents who can’t see beyond their own hurt.

BIFF Approach to Communication

In the heat of conflict, communication can spiral into blame, defensiveness, and further escalation. This is where the BIFF approach comes in—it's a tool for keeping communication Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

• Brief: Keep communication short and to the point. Lengthy emails or messages often become emotionally charged. Less is more.
• Informative: Stick to the facts. Avoid emotional triggers, accusations, or venting. This keeps the conversation neutral.
• Friendly: Even in conflict, maintaining a calm and polite tone prevents conversations from devolving into arguments.
• Firm: Clearly state your position without opening up the conversation for unnecessary debate or emotional manipulation.

The BIFF approach gives co-parents a framework for communication that reduces the potential for conflict and ensures that every interaction is focused on what matters—your children.

Simple Co-Parenting Strategies

Here are some simple strategies that can help you co-parent more effectively, inspired by the New Ways for Families model and the BIFF approach:

• Create a structured parenting plan: Agree on routines, boundaries, and guidelines for parenting decisions. Having a set plan reduces the need for constant negotiation and minimises conflict.
• Communicate only about the kids: Limit conversations to topics directly involving the children’s needs, schedules, or welfare. Avoid discussing personal feelings or past grievances.
• Use neutral communication platforms: Tools like Our Family Wizard can help keep communication structured and minimise the potential for misunderstandings.
• Acknowledge the other parent’s role: Even if it's hard, recognising that your child benefits from the other parent's involvement can ease some of the tension.
• Set emotional boundaries: Work on managing your own emotions. Whether through therapy, coaching, or self-care, finding ways to process your feelings separately from co-parenting will help you maintain focus on the children.

The Impact on Children

When parents can align and work together, children thrive. They feel safe, secure, and supported by both parents, even in the midst of separation. In contrast, when children are placed in the middle of parental conflict, the effects can be devastating—ranging from anxiety, depression, and academic struggles to difficulties in forming healthy relationships as they grow older.

Every time you manage a conflict peacefully, every time you communicate without tension, every time you make a decision that prioritises your child’s well-being—you are showing them what healthy relationships look like. You are modelling resilience, emotional intelligence, and the power of collaboration.

A Call to Action

If you’re struggling to co-parent, know that help is available. Co-parenting coaching provides the tools and strategies you need to move forward in a way that benefits your children. It’s not about winning or losing; it’s about ensuring your children have the stability, love, and support they need from both parents.

If you’re a lawyer or mediator, consider referring your clients to a co-parenting coaching program. The benefits are immeasurable, and it can change the trajectory of a family in ways that go far beyond the immediate conflict.

Let’s work together to create environments where children can thrive, and where parents can find a way to work collaboratively—even when it feels impossible.

Reach out today for more information about co-parenting strategies and how it can make a difference for your family.

Have you ever wondered how to build a strong foundation in your relationship while avoiding high conflict?

One powerful approach is to formalise open communication right from the start. By setting clear expectations and boundaries, couples can foster a deeper understanding of each other and create a safe space for honest expression. Here are some key ideas to consider when developing your own "policies and procedures" for a healthy relationship:

1. Acceptance of Thoughts and Feelings

To build trust and understanding, it's essential to accept each other's thoughts and feelings without judgement. Remember, everyone has their own experiences and emotions, which deserve respect and validation.

• How to Apply This:
  • Practice active listening by giving your full attention when your partner is speaking.
  • Show empathy by acknowledging their feelings: "I hear you," or "I understand how you're feeling."
  • Avoid interrupting or dismissing their experiences or emotions.

2. Creating a Safe Space for Communication

Effective communication is key to a healthy relationship. Make sure both partners feel safe and understood, free from blame and harsh language. This is where the concept of "I" statements comes in handy.

• How to Apply This:
  • Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs, such as "I feel hurt when..." instead of "You always..."
  • Focus on how specific actions make you feel rather than pointing fingers or making accusations.
  • If discussing a sensitive topic, ensure both partners are calm. If emotions start running high, take a break and revisit the conversation later.

3. Practising Tolerance and Patience

Every person has unique ways of thinking and communicating. Tolerance and patience are crucial for navigating these differences effectively.

• How to Apply This:
  • Celebrate each other's differences as strengths, not points of contention.
  • Approach disagreements with curiosity rather than offensiveness, ask questions to better understand your partner’s perspective.
  • Allow for pauses in conversations; not every moment needs to be filled with words.

4. Encouraging Open and Honest Expression

Honesty is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Each partner should feel free to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement.

• How to Apply This:
  • Set aside regular time for check-ins to share thoughts and feelings in a calm, non-pressured setting.
  • Encourage openness by asking questions like, "How are you really feeling?" or "What's been on your mind?"
  • When receiving feedback, stay open and avoid getting defensive.

5. Establishing Clear Boundaries: No-Go Areas

Certain behaviours can be harmful to any relationship. To maintain respect and safety, establish clear boundaries around behaviours that are off-limits, such as yelling, arguing in a hostile manner, and name-calling.

• How to Apply This:
  • If a conversation starts to escalate into these behaviours, either partner should call a “time-out” to cool down.
  • Use the time-out to engage in self-soothing activities like deep breathing, taking a walk, or journaling.
  • Reflect on what triggered the escalation and discuss it calmly later to prevent future occurrences.

6. Building Empathy and Connection

Building empathy and connection is crucial for a strong, lasting relationship. This involves understanding your partner’s feelings and maintaining a supportive environment.

• How to Apply This:
  • Try to see things from your partner’s perspective and consider how they might be feeling.
  • Show appreciation regularly by complimenting their efforts and expressing gratitude for their presence in your life.
  • Engage in activities that foster closeness, like taking walks, sharing hobbies, or having regular date nights.

7. Insights from Experts

Dr. Jordan Peterson offers valuable advice: "In a relationship, it's important to listen and articulate without demanding immediate compliance. A willingness to negotiate with humility leads to lasting love and respect." This approach encourages us to view disagreements as opportunities for mutual understanding rather than battles to be won.

In Summary

Creating a "policies and procedures" manual for your relationship might sound formal, but it's a great way to set the tone for how you and your partner engage with each other. Establishing clear communication practices and boundaries helps prevent high-conflict situations and builds a foundation of trust and respect. By fostering empathy, patience, and understanding, you can create a supportive, loving environment that allows both partners to thrive.

What other ideas do you have for fostering understanding and connection in a relationship?

Share your thoughts below or reach out here to arrange an appointment!

There's a magical feeling when you step into a place that seems to transcend time, where the air is filled with whispers of history, and every corner holds a story waiting to be told. That's exactly what my girlfriends and I experienced during our special weekend away at Il Delfino, a reimagined inn in Yamba that dates back to 1948. This beautiful retreat, just a few hours' drive from the Gold Coast, felt like a slice of Portofino had been transported to the Northern Rivers, inviting us to unwind, reconnect, and rediscover our sense of self.

The Charm of Il Delfino: A Portofino Dream in Yamba

From the moment we arrived, it was clear that Il Delfino was no ordinary inn. The moment you walk through the doors, you're transported to a different world—one that mirrors the charm and elegance of Portofino, yet with its own unique Australian twist. The inn's architecture and decor evoke a sense of nostalgia, blending vintage elements with modern comforts in a way that feels both luxurious and welcoming.

The soft pastel hues, Mediterranean-style arches, and carefully curated details create an ambience that is both serene and invigorating. Each room seemed to tell its own story, with views that overlooked either the glistening ocean or the tranquil village streets. It was as if Il Delfino was whispering to us to slow down, breathe deeply, and savour the moments we were about to create together.

The Importance of a Girls' Weekend Away

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it's easy to lose sight of the importance of maintaining our personal connections. We often get caught up in our roles—whether it's as professionals, partners, or parents—and in doing so, we sometimes lose touch with the essence of who we are. This weekend was a powerful reminder that taking time for ourselves, and nurturing our friendships, is not just a luxury, but a necessity.

Psychologically, the benefits of switching off from everyday life and immersing ourselves in quality time with friends are profound. It allows us to recharge our emotional batteries, gain fresh perspectives, and rekindle the joy that comes from simply being with those who know us best. A girls' weekend away isn't just about the fun and laughter—although there was plenty of that—but also about reaffirming our identities outside of our daily responsibilities. It's about remembering the person we were before life became so busy and reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that may have been neglected.

Yamba | A Village with a River of Identity

As we explored Yamba, it became clear that this village has a subtle, yet powerful, identity that runs through every aspect of its being. From the boutique shops to the cafes and restaurants, and even the people themselves, there's a sense of authenticity that is both refreshing and inspiring. One of my girlfriends remarked on how the business owners in Yamba uphold their value propositions with such integrity, creating experiences that are genuine and heartfelt.

This authenticity is woven into the very fabric of Yamba. The boutiques offer carefully selected items that reflect the personality of the village—be it a handcrafted piece of jewellery or a unique piece of home decor. The cafes and restaurants, like Beachwood and Yum Yum Angourie Cafe, serve dishes that are as much a feast for the eyes as they are for the palate, with a focus on local, fresh ingredients that speak to the region's rich culinary heritage.

Even the people we met carried this sense of authenticity, welcoming us with open arms and sharing their love for Yamba with genuine warmth. It was clear that this village isn't just a place to visit—it's a place to belong, even if just for a weekend.

Culinary Delights and Hidden Gems

Our weekend was punctuated by unforgettable meals at some of Yamba's most notable eateries. At Karrakin, we enjoyed a fusion of flavors that danced on our tongues, while Gather offered a rustic charm that made us feel like we were dining in a close friend's home. Each meal was a reminder of the simple pleasures in life—good food, great company, and the joy of discovery.

One of the highlights of our trip was hopping on the ferry to Iluka, where we found Chez Basho Boatshed Cafe, a hidden gem offering understated Japanese cuisine. The experience was both unexpected and delightful, a testament to the fact that sometimes the best moments are the ones we stumble upon by chance.

The Spiritual Uplift of Friendship

As our weekend drew to a close, we all felt a sense of renewal that went beyond the physical relaxation. There was a spiritual uplift that came from spending time with those long-standing friends who have shared our lives' ups and downs. In the laughter, the deep conversations, and even the comfortable silences, we found a sense of peace and connection that is rare in the busy world we live in.

This weekend in Yamba was more than just a getaway—it was a reminder of the importance of nurturing our friendships and staying true to ourselves. It was about rediscovering the joy in life, the beauty of authenticity, and the power of connection. As we left Il Delfino, we carried with us not just memories, but a renewed sense of self and a deeper appreciation for the bonds that tie us to the people we love.

So, if you're feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, consider taking a weekend away with your closest friends.

You might just find that the break you need isn't just about getting away,

it's about coming back to yourself.

Why Do We Get Upset Over the Small Stuff?

Ever found yourself snapping because the toilet seat was left up or getting annoyed by a single dirty dish in the sink? You're not alone. We've all been there, and it's those seemingly trivial things that can sometimes push us over the edge. But why do we get so upset over the small stuff, and how can we stop sweating it? Let's dive into the reasons behind this and explore some strategies to help us stay calm and composed.

The Science Behind the Short Fuse

When we're consistently reacting to minor annoyances, it's often a sign that something deeper is at play. Here are some common reasons:

1. Stress and Fatigue: When we're tired or stressed, our ability to cope with even minor inconveniences diminishes. A study from the American Psychological Association shows that chronic stress can impair cognitive function and emotional regulation, making us more susceptible to overreacting.
2. Poor Diet and Lack of Exercise: Our physical health plays a significant role in our emotional well-being. Research indicates that poor nutrition and lack of physical activity can lead to mood swings and irritability. For instance, a diet high in sugar and processed foods can cause energy spikes and crashes, affecting our mood and patience.
3. Accumulated Frustrations: Often, the little things that set us off are just the tip of the iceberg. They’re representative of larger, underlying issues that haven’t been addressed. This could be anything from unresolved conflicts at work to ongoing relationship tensions.
4. Perfectionism and Control: If you find yourself getting upset over a dirty dish, it might be tied to a need for control and perfection. When things don't go as planned, it can feel like our sense of order is disrupted, triggering frustration.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Richard Carlson's book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and It's All Small Stuff," offers timeless advice on how to let go of minor irritations and live a more peaceful life. Here are a few key takeaways and strategies to help reduce the urge to react:

1. Perspective is Everything: Ask yourself if the issue will matter in a week, a month, or a year. Chances are, it won't. This simple shift in perspective can help you realise the insignificance of the minor annoyance and reduce your stress response.
2. Practice Mindfulness: Being present in the moment can help you become more aware of your reactions and their triggers. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and grounding exercises can help you stay calm. A study by the National Centre for Complementary and Integrative Health found that mindfulness meditation can significantly reduce stress and improve emotional regulation.
3. Self-Care is Crucial: Make sure you're taking care of your basic needs. Adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and regular exercise can improve your mood and resilience to stress. The Mayo Clinic emphasises that physical activity increases the production of endorphins, which are natural mood lifters.
4. Let Go of Perfectionism: Accept that things won't always go as planned, and that's okay. Embracing imperfection can be liberating and reduce your need to control every detail. Brené Brown, in her research on vulnerability, highlights the importance of letting go of who we think we should be to embrace who we are.
5. Develop Healthy Communication: If minor annoyances are reflective of larger issues, address them constructively. Open and honest communication can help resolve underlying tensions and prevent minor issues from escalating. The Gottman Institute suggests using "I" statements to express your feelings without placing blame, which can facilitate healthier conversations.

Practical Strategies to Stay Calm

Implementing these strategies can make a significant difference in how you respond to everyday annoyances:

1. Pause and Breathe: When you feel irritation rising, take a deep breath and count to ten. This gives you a moment to calm down and reconsider your reaction.
2. Reframe the Situation: Instead of seeing a dirty dish as a personal affront, view it as an opportunity to practice patience and kindness. Maybe the person who left it there had a rough day.
3. Create a Routine: Establishing a daily routine that includes self-care activities can help you maintain a balanced emotional state. This might include morning meditation, a walk in nature, or winding down with a good book before bed.
4. Seek Support: Sometimes, talking to someone about what’s bothering you can help put things in perspective. Don't hesitate to reach out to a friend, family member, or therapist if you need to vent or seek advice.

Engage and Connect

Remember, you're not alone in feeling this way. Many people struggle with short fuses and minor irritations. By sharing your experiences and strategies, we can create a supportive community where we help each other grow and thrive. I invite you to reach out, share your thoughts, and let's have a conversation about how we can all learn to sweat less and smile more.

If this resonates with you, feel free to contact me for a chat.

Together, we can explore tailored strategies to help you maintain your cool and live a more peaceful life.

Let's make the small stuff just that—small.

Every time an alienating parent tells a child how horrible the other parent is; that parent also tells the child that half of him/her is horrible

This is crucial to address  - the significant harm caused by parental alienation. Every time an alienating parent tells a child how horrible the other parent is, they are indeed communicating to the child that half of them is horrible.

This can have a devastating impact on the child's self-esteem, emotional well-being, and overall development.

Research has shown that parental alienation can lead to long-term psychological effects. For example, studies by Dr. Amy Baker and Dr. Richard Warshak have demonstrated that children who experience parental alienation often suffer from low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships later in life. The negative messages about the other parent become internalised, leading the child to believe they are inherently flawed or unworthy of love and respect.

Effective reunification therapy plays a critical role in addressing these issues. By working with both the child and the alienated parent, therapists can help rebuild trust and repair the damaged relationship.

This process involves making the alienating parent accountable for their actions and educating them about the harmful effects of their behaviour on the child's development. Dr. Richard Warshak's "Family Bridges" program is an example of an intervention designed to counteract the effects of parental alienation and restore healthy parent-child relationships.

Furthermore, the principles of Dr. Dan Siegel's work on attachment and interpersonal neurobiology emphasise the importance of secure relationships in a child's development.

Secure attachments are vital for a child's emotional and social development, forming the foundation for healthy relationships and overall well-being. Dr. Dan Siegel’s 4 S’s—Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure—provide a practical framework for fostering these attachments:

1. Safe: Ensure both physical and emotional safety, creating an environment where children feel protected and secure.
2. Seen: Acknowledge and validate a child's experiences, thoughts, and emotions, helping them feel valued and understood.
3. Soothed: Comfort and support children when they are distressed, teaching them to regulate their emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
4. Secure: Provide consistent, reliable, and available caregiving, fostering trust and confidence in their relationships.

By implementing these principles, parents and caregivers can nurture secure attachments, significantly impacting a child's long-term emotional, social, and cognitive development.

Ensuring that children have healthy relationships with both parents, even after separation or divorce, is crucial for their emotional and psychological health. When adults are held accountable and guided towards healthier co-parenting practices, there is hope for mitigating the negative effects of separation and divorce on children.

As a Counsellor and Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, my approach involves providing psychoeducation to parents about the importance of maintaining positive relationships with their children and co-parents. By fostering an environment of mutual respect and understanding, we can help prevent the cycle of alienation and ensure that children grow up feeling loved, valued, and secure in their relationships.

Too often, separated parents are focused on the hurt and blame on the other and they neglect and overlook how this impacts their children.

In my clinic, I've often seen parents feeling dissatisfied and lost within their lives. They frequently look to their partner to blame for their unhappiness. This is a common trap, but it's one we can avoid with some self-reflection and conscious effort.

Research shows that many parents experience a decline in marital satisfaction after the birth of their first child. According to a study by Lawrence et al. (2008), this decline continues as children grow older and parents find themselves with more time but less connection to their partner.

I’ve had countless couples in my office who, now that their children are older and more independent, suddenly have the time to look at their partner and realise they’ve grown distant. Years spent focusing on home-making and working can create a gap that feels hard to bridge.

To avoid falling into this trap, make the ordinary extraordinary. Have dinner at the table with no devices, set the mood with candles or lighting, and genuinely make time for each other. Little moments, like making each other coffee in the morning or arranging regular date nights, can help maintain your connection.

Maintaining Identity:

It’s crucial not to lose your identity in the marriage. When you first met, each of you brought your unique self to the relationship. Over the years, I often see parents giving up parts of themselves for the sake of the marriage, which can lead to dissatisfaction and a loss of self.

Studies have shown that maintaining individuality within a marriage is key to long-term happiness. A survey conducted by the University of Michigan found that couples who pursued individual interests and supported each other's personal growth were happier and more resilient.

Many of my clients have shared that rekindling old hobbies or finding new ones has not only improved their self-esteem but also brought new energy into their relationships.

Setting Boundaries:

If your partner wants you to give up who you are, it’s important to set boundaries. Remember, when you first met, you liked each other for who you were. Changing that person can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction.

Final Thoughts:

Don’t forget yourself in your relationships. This isn’t about being single in your marriage but about maintaining a healthy balance where both partners can grow individually and together. If your partner tries to change you, set some boundaries and remember what brought you together in the first place.

Reach out here to develop strategies to support your journey to self and satisfaction

 

In the journey of relationships, understanding the laws of attraction and taking agency in our outcomes can be both enlightening and transformative. As a psychotherapist and counsellor, I've witnessed the nuances of these dynamics first-hand, helping clients navigate the often complex terrain of love, commitment, and personal growth.

So, What Does Change Look Like in a Relationship?

Change in a relationship can take many forms. Recently, I've had several clients struggling with the idea of asking their partners to change. The core question they grapple with is, "Can I live with this person as they are, or am I compromising myself and my authenticity for the sake of keeping the relationship together?" This question becomes even more complex when children are involved. Do you stay together for the children's sake, or do you leave to avoid teaching them unhealthy relationship habits? The answers are as varied as the people asking them—there's no one-size-fits-all solution.

Knowing Yourself First

One essential point I emphasise is that both partners need to know themselves to determine if they are good for each other. I recently told a client, "If two people are motivated to stay together, they each need to understand who they are." Without this self-awareness, it's challenging to establish if your partner is a good fit for you. Self-discovery is a vital part of any relationship, and it requires time and effort to understand your own needs, values, and boundaries.

The Nature of Change

Change is the mechanism for growth in any relationship. While fundamental aspects of who we are—our character, disposition, tolerances, cultural influences, history, and upbringing—remain relatively stable, we can still choose how we react, behave, or feel towards our partner. Learning the art of adaptation is crucial for navigating conflicts and finding a pathway forward, provided both parties are motivated to stay together.

A Real-Life Example

Consider a couple I worked with recently. Let's call them John and Sarah. John was very set in his ways, preferring a structured routine, while Sarah was more spontaneous and free-spirited. Their differing approaches to life often led to conflicts. They came to me, each feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. Through our sessions, we worked on self-awareness and communication. John realised that his need for routine stemmed from a sense of security rooted in his upbringing, while Sarah's spontaneity was her way of expressing freedom and joy, values she held dear from her childhood.

By understanding these core aspects of themselves, they learnt to appreciate each other's perspectives. John started to see Sarah's spontaneity not as chaos, but as a source of excitement and creativity that could enrich their lives. Sarah, in turn, began to understand that John's routines provided a stable foundation that allowed their family to thrive. They didn't fundamentally change who they were but adapted their behaviours and reactions to support each other better.

The Challenge of Adaptation

I won't say it is easy. It takes guts, determination, and honesty. Sometimes, the hard truth can be hurtful. Both individuals must look closely at themselves to see a pathway forward. This process involves confronting personal insecurities, acknowledging areas for growth, and being willing to compromise without losing one's authenticity.

For instance, another client of mine, let's call her Maria, struggled with her husband's emotional distance. She felt lonely and unimportant. Through our work, Maria discovered that her husband, James, had been raised in an environment where expressing emotions was discouraged. Understanding this, Maria approached their conversations with more empathy, encouraging James to share his feelings gradually. James, recognising Maria's need for emotional connection, made conscious efforts to open up. Their relationship improved significantly as they adapted to meet each other's emotional needs.

The Power of Mutual Commitment

At the core of successful relationships is the mutual desire to stay together and a deep love for each other. When both partners are committed, they have the capacity, with strategies and support, to adapt and find a win-win situation in their union.

Think of it like two people navigating a dance. Each has their own rhythm and steps, but to dance together gracefully, they need to synchronise their movements. This doesn't mean one person completely changes their dance; instead, they adjust their steps to complement their partner's. This mutual adaptation creates harmony and a stronger connection.

Final Thoughts

Taking agency in your relationship outcomes means embracing the power of change and adaptation while staying true to yourself. It's about understanding who you are, what you need, and how you can support your partner in their journey. With the right mindset and tools, change doesn't have to be daunting—it can be the very thing that strengthens your bond and brings you closer together.

Remember, relationships are a continuous journey of growth and adaptation. If both partners are willing to put in the effort, the rewards can be profoundly fulfilling. As a psychotherapist, I've seen countless couples transform their relationships by taking agency and embracing the laws of attraction. With commitment, self-awareness, and a willingness to adapt, you too can create a relationship that thrives on mutual respect, love, and understanding.

Want to start your journey towards adaptation? Book here.

Separation and divorce can be some of the most emotionally challenging experiences a person can go through. When children are involved, these challenges multiply, often leaving parents feeling overwhelmed and at a loss as to how to navigate this new landscape. Mediation offers a path forward, but it's not always clear how to approach it effectively. How do you sift through the emotional elements of a separation and go to mediation to try and find a resolution?

Understanding the Purpose of Mediation

The key to successful mediation is understanding its true purpose: it’s not about winning or losing, but about finding a resolution that works for everyone involved, especially the children. Mediation is designed to help parents find common ground, ensuring that children can continue to foster and develop strong relationships with both parents. This approach contrasts sharply with the adversarial nature of traditional court proceedings, which can exacerbate conflict rather than resolve it.

The Dangers of Using Children as Tools

Unfortunately, in the heat of separation, some parents might unconsciously use their children as tools for punishment, pressure, or financial control. This behaviour can manifest in several ways:

1. Withholding Access: One parent might refuse to let the other see the children as a way to punish them. This not only deprives the child of a relationship with the other parent but also places the child in the middle of adult conflicts.

2. Manipulating Affection: A parent might attempt to turn the child against the other parent, using emotional manipulation to gain the child's loyalty. This tactic can deeply confuse and hurt the child, leading to long-term emotional issues and indeed, impair their ability to form healthy relationships later in life.

3. Financial Leverage: Parents might use financial support as a bargaining chip, threatening to withhold money unless their demands are met. This approach can create a sense of insecurity and instability for the child, who may feel caught between their parents' financial battles.

Children See, Hear, and Learn Everything

Children are incredibly perceptive. They see, hear, and learn from everything their parents do. When parents fight for revenge, position, or leverage, they are teaching their children that it is acceptable to manipulate others for personal gain. This lesson can have long-lasting implications, shaping how children view relationships and conflict resolution in their own lives.

For example, a child who witnesses one parent constantly badmouthing the other may grow up believing that this behaviour is normal and acceptable. This can affect their ability to form healthy relationships in the future, as they may mimic the manipulative behaviours they observed.

 Short-Term Gains vs. Long-Term Consequences

Parents need to be aware that while using children as tools might provide a short-term sense of control or victory, it comes with long-term consequences. Here are a few examples:

Emotional Instability: Children caught in the crossfire of their parents' battles often experience high levels of stress and anxiety. They may feel torn between their loyalty to both parents and struggle with feelings of guilt and confusion.

Relationship Difficulties: These children might have difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships as they grow older. They may struggle with trust issues, fear of abandonment, and a distorted understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Academic and Social Challenges: The stress and instability of being used as a tool in their parents' conflicts can spill over into other areas of a child's life. They might have trouble concentrating in school, leading to academic difficulties. They may also struggle with social interactions, finding it hard to connect with peers.

A Call for Awareness and Responsibility

As parents navigate the challenging waters of separation and divorce, it’s crucial to keep the well-being of their children at the forefront. Here are some steps to ensure that mediation serves its intended purpose:

1. Focus on the Child's Best Interests: Always keep the child's needs and best interests at the centre of all decisions. This approach helps to depersonalise the conflict and shift the focus away from winning or losing.

2. Open Communication: Foster open, honest, and respectful communication with the other parent. This helps to build a cooperative rather than adversarial dynamic, which is essential for successful mediation.

3. Seek Professional Help: Consider working with a family mediator or counsellor who can provide guidance and support. These professionals can help parents navigate the emotional complexities of separation and keep the focus on resolution by offering co-parenting support at a highly emotional stage of the families life.

4. Model Positive Behaviour: Remember that children learn by example. Model the behaviour you want your children to emulate. Show them that conflicts can be resolved through communication, compromise, and respect.

5. Avoid Negative Talk: Refrain from speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the children. This can help maintain the child’s relationship with both parents and reduce their emotional burden.

By approaching mediation with a mindset of resolution rather than victory, parents can create a more stable, supportive environment for their children. This not only helps to mitigate the immediate emotional impacts of separation but also sets a positive example for how to handle conflicts in the future. The goal is to build a foundation for co-parenting that prioritises the well-being and development of the children, ensuring they grow up feeling loved and supported by both parents.

Remember | Conflict is not the issue, it’s how one choses to deal with it that causes the negative outcomes.

Need some pre mediation preparation? Reach out here for family support.

Parental alienation is a deeply troubling phenomenon that manifests most commonly in the context of separated or divorced parents. Over my years as a mediator and therapist, I have witnessed first-hand the silent yet powerful effects of this behaviour on children. Parental alienation involves one parent deliberately working to damage the relationship between their child and the other parent, often through subtle and insidious means. This practice not only undermines the targeted parent's role but also inflicts significant psychological harm on the child.

The Anatomy of Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is not typically a dramatic or overt act. Rather, it often begins with subtle manipulations and coercive behaviours that can seem benign on the surface but have a corrosive effect over time. It’s essential to understand that this behaviour can be both conscious and unconscious, stemming from a parent's own emotional struggles and desire for control.

Examples of Parental Alienation Tactics:

1. Subtle Undermining | A parent may frequently criticise the other parent in the child's presence, making disparaging comments about their character, capabilities, or intentions. Statements like, "Your mother always forgets about important things," or, "Your father never really cared about us," plant seeds of doubt and mistrust in the child's mind.

2. Withholding Information | Another common tactic is to withhold important information about the other parent. For instance, not telling the child about phone calls, messages, or attempts by the other parent to spend time with them. This can create a perception that the other parent is uninterested or neglectful.

3. Emotional Manipulation | Some parents may use emotional manipulation to make the child feel guilty for wanting to spend time with the other parent. Phrases like, "If you loved me, you wouldn’t want to go with your dad," can make the child feel torn between their loyalty to both parents.

4. Creating Dependency | Making the child overly dependent on them by fostering a sense of exclusivity and making them feel that the alienating parent is the only one who truly understands or cares for them. This can be done by offering special privileges or treats that are only available when the child is with them.

5. Rewriting History | The alienating parent may attempt to rewrite history by distorting past events. For example, if there was a disagreement or misunderstanding, the parent might exaggerate or alter the details to portray the other parent in a negative light.

The Psychological Impact on Children

The effects of parental alienation on children can be profound and long-lasting. These children often exhibit signs of stress, anxiety, and depression. They may also struggle with issues of identity and self-esteem, as they are caught between conflicting loyalties to each parent. In some cases, the alienation can lead to a complete rejection of the targeted parent, causing a significant and sometimes irreparable rift in that relationship.

Behavioural and Emotional Deficits:

Trust Issues | Children who are subject to parental alienation often develop trust issues. They may find it difficult to form healthy relationships in the future because their ability to trust has been compromised.

Low Self-Esteem | Constant exposure to negative comments about one parent can lead children to internalise these criticisms, affecting their self-esteem and sense of worth.

Anxiety and Depression | The internal conflict of feeling caught between two parents can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression. These children might also exhibit symptoms of PTSD, particularly if the alienation involves more severe forms of manipulation or emotional abuse.

Identity Confusion | A child’s sense of identity can be deeply affected when one parent undermines their relationship with the other parent. They may struggle with feelings of guilt and confusion about their own feelings and loyalties.

Mitigating Parental Alienation

The key to addressing and mitigating parental alienation lies in early recognition and intervention. Mediators and therapists play a crucial role in this process, helping parents understand the harmful effects of their behaviour and guiding them towards healthier communication and co-parenting practices.

Strategies for Intervention:

1. Education and Awareness | Educating parents about the signs and consequences of parental alienation is a critical first step. Many parents may not fully realise the damage they are causing and can benefit from professional guidance.

2. Therapeutic Mediation | Bringing in a professional therapist during mediation sessions can help parents focus on the child's best interests rather than their grievances with each other. This approach encourages parents to view the situation from the child’s perspective, fostering empathy and understanding.

3. Encouraging Positive Communication | Facilitating open and positive communication between the parents and the child helps to reinforce a balanced view. Parents need to be encouraged to speak respectfully about each other and avoid using the child as a pawn in their disputes.

4. Parental Counselling | Providing counselling to the alienating parent can help address underlying issues such as anger, insecurity, or feelings of loss. By working through these emotions, parents can learn healthier ways to cope with their situation.

Parental alienation is a serious issue that can have lasting impacts on a child's emotional and psychological well-being. As mediators and therapists, it is our duty to recognise the signs early and intervene in ways that promote healthy co-parenting relationships. By focusing on the best interests of the child and fostering positive communication, we can help mitigate the effects of parental alienation and support the development of resilient, well-adjusted children.

Before making decisions that could alienate your child from the other parent, take a moment to reflect on why you first met and fell in love. Remembering the positive qualities that brought you together can help guide you toward actions that support your child's well-being and maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship